Fear of Abandonment
Do you know what it feels like? It’s somehow not wanting to let people go, but letting them go before they have a chance to, so you’re not hurt.
It’s feeling lonely but not being able to reach out because you don’t want to give them a chance to hurt you later. It is feeling like everyone’s going to leave you at a certain point, so you’re not sure how much effort you want to put into a new friendship.
I can point almost to the exact date where everything went sideways – and it wasn’t necessarily someone leaving me willingly, but it still left a scar. Years later I had finally opened my life up to someone, was surrounded by friends and was able to have long lasting relationships, until that very person decided to ghost me and mercilessly open up that wound again, one that ended up never closing again. Ever since, I’ve not been able to stay close with anyone in the fear that they will hurt me just as much. I’m just not able to keep talking with people I love, because that effort is not worth the pain.
How do you heal from that? Is there even a good way to fix it?
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Disquiet Thoughts 
I read the first few lines and got goosebumps. I could not possibly relate to it more! I don’t have an answer to your question but hopefully we can find solace in knowing there are people that relate to your problems.
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100%! Thank you for such a nice comment 🙂
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I had a similar instance happen to me after finally opening up after being closed off for a really long time and it hurt me a lot. It’s only really now that I’m realising I need to open up again regardless, because if I close myself off to things nothing good can ever happen.
Julia // The Sunday Mode
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Hello! I just wanted to say thank you sharing such personal information about yourself. That isn’t always easy to do. You did a great job in your post of explaining your emotions and how it feels to be abandoned. (You also gave me a great idea for a future post) That fear is real and I’m not gonna try to tell you that it’s easy to overcome it, because the truth is that it is not. However, expressing your pain and being open to help and suggestions is the best 1st step there is! I wish I could tell you that it will never happen again, but I won’t because it is not true. Someone else might leave, because not everyone is meant to stay in our lives. My belief is that God removes those that shouldn’t be there, the ones who would cause us more pain my staying than by leaving. I have seen this to be true because I have ran after those who left, begged them to come back, and once I did, I regretted that decision. Some people in our lives are meant to be there to teach us something, or to stay for just a season…but when someone comes along who should be a part of your life for the long run, it will be the one who deserves to be there. I wish you the very best, and just remember… If someone wants to leave, just know that they shouldn’t be there and gladly open that door to let them go, and keep that door open just enough to allow someone better to walk in. 😀
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That you so much for your comment. That’s very kind and I’ll take those words to heart. I try to remember every day to think that way, but sometimes it just isn’t easy to do. Have a great day and thanks again 🙂
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You’re very welcome, and trust me, I get it. I am the same way. I’m sure we all are to some extent. And you’re right, it isn’t always easy. You have a great day, too! 😊
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Hello. Thanks for liking my post on mental health. This is a really insightful post you’ve written. I relate to this a lot. As a child I was cruelly bullied and hurt, rejected for who I was, and abandoned and neglected from the ‘caregivers’ at school who should have helped and protected me – they didn’t do anything to help me even though it was clear I was suffering and helpless. This resulted in severe trauma, and deep, agonising mental and emotional wounds that lasted well into adulthood. The deep trauma was that I rejected myself and hated myself because of the lies I was told and how the cruel treatment made me feel, to the point of almost giving up on life entirely as a child. I found that my ‘self protection’ mechanism was to reject myself first before anyone else had a chance to…so it what you have written resonates with me about you not being able to stay close to anyone since your deep hurt. I found that sometimes people would get close and then disappear and that would reawaken the trauma so it was ‘safer’ to hold people at an arms length. That was until I came to know Jesus Christ. It might sound strange, but literally things have changed from the inside out and I am able to relate to people knowing that I am loved perfectly and completely by Some One Who’s love is selfless and for my best and Who has been healing these hurts gradually – those deep hurts that no one can get to on a human level alone. It’s not just head knowledge that He says ‘I will *never* leave you nor forsake you’ but I like countless others have come to know His forgiveness, and very real comfort and presence. But maybe that’s a strange thing for you to hear just now, I’m not sure, so other things that help are talking to a professional counsellor / psychologist who knows how to manage those boundaries and knows how to help you with the issues of abandonment and fear of getting close. I hope I’ve been able to offer some glimmer of hope and encouragement. Thanks for sharing your experience with us.
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Thanks for sharing this. I’m sorry you had to go through so much at such a young age, but I’m glad you’re able to get through it now and live your life as normal, that’s very inspiring. Thanks again 🙂
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Thank you. It is a process, but to be loved perfectly and held safely and never abandoned is a longing put in our souls by The One Who can perfectly fulfil this need. I am praying you will reach out to the Lord Jesus and experience this love for yourself one day. Take care.
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Remember why you choose to let them in your heart to begin with…. Your “Why” is your reason to keep opening your heart and embracing potential friendships. People who ghost you are hurting…. And they’re living in fear due to some pain. You don’t want to become them, the very type that created your pain do you?
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I never ghost anyone, I try not to let friendships get to that point anymore
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You have put it so beautifully that I felt each word and expression. That’s life. All relationships have a shelf life and we are only a path for each other and people will come and go, sometimes they stay little longer and sometimes they leave sooner. It’s like either they are there to heal us and make a better person or we are there to heal them and make them a better person. Be receptive to love and life, Be receptive to ones who come, who are destined to come. Don’t shut yourself, You might not let that one person to enter if you stay shut who might be meant to stay forever. Who might be meant to make you his/her home forever and vice versa? (Itsmy personal opinion)
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If you get the answer, please do share. The older I get, the harder it is to deal with the pain of having been let go. The bonus though – living a life with the cherished people who haven’t. I guess it’s a fine line. Thanks for sharing.
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We can never be inside another person’s head, but it’s human nature to try and make sense of how people act, especially when those actions are hurtful. Consequently we make assumptions and those assumptions often come from a negative place i.e. self doubt, lack of self confidence, etc. That adds up to a lot of hurt. But no two people are the same, no two relationships are the same and no two experiences are the same. Love requires courage, a leap of faith, but as the saying goes, Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved.
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I’ve read a lot of your blogs over the last couple of months and I had to follow you because I not only relate to you on a very personal level, but you have a really great way of describing and explaining thoughts, feelings, etc. This post definitely caught my eye, this exact same thing happened to me and it was the hardest thing to accept and cope with. I’m honestly not sure I have accepted or even coped with it completely as much as I’ve tried to push it to the back of my mind. Thank you for having the courage to post your thoughts and feelings, I know for me at least it reminds me I’m not alone in how I feel, think, etc.
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Thank you so much for your kind comment, it really does mean a lot. I’m glad at least it’s comforting for you to know you’re definitely not alone in how you feel – there’s always someone out there who’s been through the same and that hopefully can help you get through it.
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I’ve had a 40 year career doing spiritual/mental/emotional holistic work with people, and have studied it all even longer, so thankfully I’ve learned many tools to use for these issues. It still hurts when someone leaves my life, but learning to truly love myself, stay in my power and center, too, has helped me move forward more easily and quickly. People usually leave due to their own issues, not ours.
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I am so sorry to see what you have been through. My only thought and prayer is that God never leaves us or forsakes us. I find comfort in knowing I can always go to Him in prayer. He may not be there physically but He lets me know in many ways His presence and opens up doors that give me the help I need. Sometimes we need to let go and step out in faith to trust whether we get hurt again or not. We cannot let fear of the unknown keep us as a slave. I know it is easier to say this but to do this. Pray and call on the Lord, He will comfort you and give you peace
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Thank you for sharing this and sorry you’ve had to go through this. I’ve recently experienced the same thing with a friend of 20+ years. They’d drift first and I’d reach out just thinking they were busy and things would reconnect for awhile and the cycle would repeat itself. Three years ago she kicked me to the curb via text while I was riding the subway from a Dr. appt. No dialog, just attacks out of nowhere and I was left crushed. My life has had a sh!tload of changes since then so I reached out, yet again, and received a quasi apology about how she was sorry and she should have reached out sooner. All the while making me feel as though we were finding our way back to our friendship and then radio silence…yet again. I sent texts asking did I get my wires crossed, still no reply. This was just two weeks ago and I’m still in shock. The only phrase that keeps tumbling around in my head is “what did I do, what WHAT on earth could I have possible done to be hurt MORE than anyone from my horrific childhood and family? It hurts not knowing but what else can I do except tell myself it’s not me. Ghosting is the worst passive aggressive thing one person can do to another. Its their lack of personal courage to simply face whatever it is reasoning why and that’s what makes ghosting someone a complete and utter coward. I’m not looking back and I hope others who are ghosted can do the same. It sucks, there’s no reason for it and they have no idea the emotional carnage it leaves in its wake. Keep moving forward and glad I found your post and don’t feel so alone when I scratch my head and I say “Wtf???” ~R
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Thanks for sharing
it definitely sucks but moving on is so important at that stage, otherwise you’ll feel stuck for a while. Wishing you the best 🙂
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Marry me? I’ll never abandon you
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Everyone should have an experience of abandonment at some point in their life, but some more severe than others. I feel as though I’ve put up a wall to shelter me from any pain I may feel, which makes me seem unemotional. When I feel pain, I try to hide it as best as possible when around others. It is unhealthy to say the least. I’m one of those individuals who need enough buttons pushed to explode. My experiences have brought me a need to befriend others who have experienced abandonment and loneliness. Those with few friends and they make the best friends because they understand.
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Well written article, I wish I had the brilliance to be able to answer that question for you but I don’t. I do think that the answer to that question will vary from person to person though, I don’t think there is a one size fits all answer. I am going to reblog this article for you though, hopefully some good answers will come your way. I hope that you are able to have a good week, stay safe, have some fun, God bless.
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Reblogged this on Truth Troubles.
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I relate to this!
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