Dealing With Loss: 10 Years On

0: This feels like a nightmare, please let me wake up from it. Or, if it’s not a nightmare, please let me just stay asleep forever and never wake up to face reality.

1: I feel lost. I can’t navigate. I don’t know where to go, what to do, or what course my life should take. Come back please, I miss you.

2: No one knows the pain inside. Everyone thinks I’m fine and I should take care of others around me, but why can’t they be the ones to take care of me? Why do I have to pretend to be strong.

3: I’ve decided to change my life, find new meaning in a place far away. I want to continue living my life. I love everyone around me, but it doesn’t seem to be enough lately.

4: Life carries on. Places change, people come and go, but I am used to it. The pain lingers every time I think of you, and I’m afraid of not remembering all the good memories in the future.

5: Someone talk to me about what really matters. Stop these meaningless talks and let me pour my heart out with no judgement.

6: The pain stays, the longing just as much. The frequency of when I think of the longing, however, is decreasing. I don’t know if this is good or bad.

7: I don’t know how people handle it. I utter “it’s fine” every time – and I do mean it. But what is it about you that I can’t explain, or talk about?

8: I’ve accepted you’re not coming back, but I wish there was a way of talking to you. I love you always, and I wonder what you would think of me if you were still around. Would you be proud? Would we still be best friends?

9: Time is going by so fast, but it still feels like it was just yesterday that my life completely changed. Are you still there for me when I need you? I can’t wait until, one day, I get to see or talk to you again.

10: I wish I had a sign to know you’re still there. Sometimes I feel alone and it’s because I don’t really know who else to talk to, since the only person I would talk to isn’t around anymore. I am fine, I promise. But the fear of everyone leaving my life this same way still lingers, and that is the hardest part of it all.

How do you lose someone and continue going through life without fearing that the same abandonment will not happen with everyone you love? Specially when it’s already happened other times in the past?

It’s been 10 years, and I cannot say those 10 years were filled with pain. There are good and bad days, and the bad days now come farther apart. But how could I ever feel like I’m in control anymore?

Today, I’m thinking of you, and I know you’re thinking of me too. I miss you.